Infertility: Not getting pregnant despite having carefully timed, unprotected sex for one year.
(Yes, I said the S word)
I can’t begin to explain to you how hard it is for me type that word. Infertility. I never thought that a healthy 28 and 30 year old, would be having conversations with our doctors about next steps we need to be taking to grow our family. But here we are.
After making my Mother’s Day post this past May, I got such an outpouring from women who were going through similar struggles, or went through similar struggles as infertility brings. Women who maybe have never shared their stories before, shared them with me, and I cherish the vulnerability that we shared together in telling pieces of our stories. Maybe this post will allow others to feel as not alone as the last one did.
This year and a half has been the most emotionally draining, never-ending rollercoaster I have ever been on. Some days you have hope, faith, and happiness. And then comes the guilt, the doubt, and the anger. Being constantly let down. You don’t understand why. You don’t understand why other people have no problem (in your mind) having kids, and you’re having such a hard time. And your favorite: the accident. Oh, we got pregnant on accident! We weren’t even trying! Please. Just. Be. Quiet.
I’ve really struggled with true joy in my life during this time. The numbness you feel never seems to go away. One minute you’re laughing, and then the sadness comes out of nowhere. The corners of your smile disappear, and the thoughts in your head, you’d never share with anyone. You’re not quite sure who you are anymore because you’ve made all these plans for a baby that hasn’t come yet. You try to make “future” plans to go places, attend weddings, girl trips...etc, but deep down you hope and pray you can’t go because you have a brand new baby. How do you plan for the future, when you have no idea what the future looks like?
I never thought God’s timing would take so long, but I also know the work that He has been doing in our lives during this time. Jus and I can’t wait to be parents. However long, or how it might be, we know that God is preparing our hearts for the someday we get to hold a sweet little one with the last name Ahrens.